A Eulogy for Jimmy

by Uri Grey

I don't really know why I was chosen to give this eulogy. I mean, I'm not that great with words. People say I'm blunt and always say the wrong thing. And I guess a eulogy is probably the worst place to say the wrong thing. But what can I do? You ask and I deliver—I'm that kind of a guy.

So, Jimmy's dead. Obviously he's dead, or we wouldn't be burying him right now. I think he died from a drug overdose or something like that. I know many kids die from that shit these days, but I don't think any of them will be missed as much as Jimmy.

I know Jimmy touched us all in one way or another. I see now, how all the ladies cross their legs... yeah Jimmy sure loved his touching. Never asked for permission or even said “hello.” Nope, he just went "Look! There's a bird" and wush! there's a hand down your... well never mind.

Jimmy loved many things, not only touching; he loved money, he loved horses, he loved fancy hats and shoes, he loved all sorts of words which I best no repeat right now. “Whatever he found, we lost” as the saying goes. I remember one time I caught Jimmy sneaking to my daughter's bedroom, so I slammed a pan right down his head and down he went on our carpet. I raised my pan again, you know how I am with kids... a bit hot-headed I guess, but my daughter woke up and said, the precious little thing, she said "Dad, it's Jimmy, let him go." And I did. If she had the courage to say that and forgive him, then shame on me if I didn’t!

I thought that thing would ruin Jimmy, but it only made him better. From that point, Jimmy really was an invaluable member of our small community. If there was some vice the little fiend didn't practice then it's only because I smashed it right out of his brains with that pan of mine. Otherwise, he was the very catalogue of evil.

Of course, a blessing like Jimmy can't last for long. “If you stray too far from God you're bound to fall someday.” These are Father Habakkuk’s words, not mine. So, I guess just to be contrary, Jimmy mixed alcohol, drugs, sex and whatnot one night and now he's with Satan now and we're left here crying for our loss. And I’m telling you, that’s one big loss!

I mean, as long as Jimmy was here, his sins screamed so loud it made all of us look like saints. Salvation was ours! Sure, I roll the dice now and again. And you, Jeremiah, it's no secret you like sleeping late on Sundays. And, Miriam, I know you like to gossip here and there, eh?

Well, no more. Now that Jimmy's gone, we can't afford to be anything less than perfect. “You can miss a candle by the sun but not a candle by another candle.” These are Father's Habakkuk’s words, not mine. I’m not that great with words.

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Uri is a game writer, translator, humanist, twitterist and storyteller from Israel. He spends his days slumbering at www.werecabbages.com/user/10 castle and his nights stalking innocent virgins at twitter.com/urigrey.